edge of the continent

I have been feeling out of sorts since my return home: the drive to work is alien despite having taken the same route everyday for over a year now, and the city I have slowly grown to like chafes and binds. The general state of my affairs feels messy, unfocused… adrift. Helplessness and anger uncomfortably roil about my chest as I struggle to figure out just what I am to do in order to right myself again.

I wonder what I have to show for myself.

My birthday is in two months and the shocking awareness of another year passing me by is hard to bear. I could have done more. I could have trusted myself more, loved myself more, had more faith in my abilities. I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister, colleague, human being. I could have stretched more; I could have taken more risks with eyes open and heart strong. I could have allowed my hunger — for beauty, for art, for kindness, for peace, for knowledge, for love, for independence, for truth — to be unleashed upon my world and let this frozen drive within roar back into life and propel me where it may. I had plans: lofty plans, noble plans…

…I talk a good game.

I am closing my mouth.

There is no more “trying”, there is no more “going to”; there is merely doing or not doing. The results can speak for themselves.

I haven’t tried posting photos directly in my journal before, so this is just a test. Here is a picture of the great little address book I bought last weekend in San Francisco:

…okay, it seems to be working :)

I have been experiencing some serious craftsy-building-cooking-decorating-growing-sewing-things-envy lately, and it doesn’t help that V and her roommate are so damn crafty(!), nor that I spend so much time happily reading up on other people’s projects, such as Mena’s sewing adventures, Annalisa’s home improvement trek, or Megan’s site of good things, as well as drooling over the treasure trove of ideas at getcrafty, you grow girl, digs magazine or in ready made or martha stewart living (yes, I read Martha religiously — she may or may not be the devil incarnate, but the woman sets a damn fine table). I’m feeling the need for organizing and livening-up my 10×12 corner of the world and letting loose my creative impulses. Stay tuned — this could get interesting. Or ugly. Or interestingly ugly. Or something like that.

Bri has posted my gallery on his site, lovebri. Please check it out and let me know what you think — that was my first time using black and white film and I was nervous about how they would turn out, but they came out pretty well. And please let him know just how great he laid everything out - he did a fantastic job. Thanks, Bri!

The project was quite a lot of fun, from the agonizing decisions over what to photograph to receiving a roll of film in the mail, ripe with surprise and possibility. I know that some of the other participants haven’t had quite the luck I’ve had — three weeks after the mail-in deadline they either haven’t received any film to post on their site, or the person they sent their film to hasn’t made any indication that they are going to put their photos up. Considering that I myself am guilty of sending out my film a week late, I think I’m going to just stay quiet on the subject and check out the galleries that are up. Hopefully Rannie will run a second round of the exchange — I’d really like to participate again.

1300 miles and three days later I am home and tired tired tired. I took so few pictures when I was out of town, but I’ll post them as soon as they are developed.

Trips to the city leave me experiencing an interesting sensation where at any given moment I feel like I am home while fully aware that I am not; there is a familiarity to the place that calls to me and draws me in. And while I am there I am torn between the desire to go see and do everything I can in the short amount of time I have, and the wish to simply slow down and enjoy time with my friends over coffee or dinner or a movie. Well I could certainly solve that problem by moving up there, couldn’t I? (That was for you, V).