I have been feeling out of sorts since my return home: the drive to work is alien despite having taken the same route everyday for over a year now, and the city I have slowly grown to like chafes and binds. The general state of my affairs feels messy, unfocused… adrift. Helplessness and anger uncomfortably roil about my chest as I struggle to figure out just what I am to do in order to right myself again.
I wonder what I have to show for myself.
My birthday is in two months and the shocking awareness of another year passing me by is hard to bear. I could have done more. I could have trusted myself more, loved myself more, had more faith in my abilities. I could have been a better friend, daughter, sister, colleague, human being. I could have stretched more; I could have taken more risks with eyes open and heart strong. I could have allowed my hunger — for beauty, for art, for kindness, for peace, for knowledge, for love, for independence, for truth — to be unleashed upon my world and let this frozen drive within roar back into life and propel me where it may. I had plans: lofty plans, noble plans…
…I talk a good game.
I am closing my mouth.
There is no more “trying”, there is no more “going to”; there is merely doing or not doing. The results can speak for themselves.
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