my dad called to tell me that something is wrong again — something about an infection that is not responding to any of the antibiotics my grandmother has been receiving — and mentioned vague talk of arrangements for hospice care, how soon, i don’t know. my family isn’t known for providing clear medical information during times of crisis and my sister and i find ourselves repeatedly frustrated by the quality of the second-, third- and sometimes fourth-hand information we receive here at the end of the line. both of us are impatient (why aren’t they asking about this or looking for that?), feeling guilty (this is their mom — they are likely too upset to be thinking about some of the questions that have come our minds), and quietly riding it out as we wait for more news.
when i was young and had a fever my mom would sit at the edge of my bed and hold cool washcloths to my forehead in an effort to make me feel better. as i can’t be there to hold a cloth to my grandmother’s head i’ll sit still and picture in my mind that i am drawing the fever from her body… it may sound a bit silly, but other than sending my love i know of no other way to heal her. i had an overblown sinus infection earlier this week with a fever, chills, congestion, nausea — the works — and i took it for granted that my body would respond to some rest and medication and bounce back — which it has. but our bodies fail us at some point, and when antibiotics and rest aren’t enough i’m left with little more than love, hope, and a quiet meditation in the corner of the room.
but god if it still doesn’t feel like enough.
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